What Have I Become?

Since our last riveting episode of life in the mommy lane (suburbia edition), Joey has continued to display his incredible talent for picking up the worst phrases that Joe or I might mutter and then parroting them back to us (usually in a public place). Some of his latest little gems include referring to me as “Dearest” or “You Chunk” (thanks Joe) and walking up to a lady in the mall when Joe wouldn’t buy him a piece of gum and asking if he could have some of the pieces in her hand (nice). He also refers to us (Joe, myself, Abby and Bear) as “Hey Family” when he wants our attention and has taken to negotiating just about everything with us like some sort of little con man – we say “one cookie” he says “two cookies”, or “If I’m a goooooood boy, then I get ice cream”. Etc.

Abby continues to be a pretty happy baby for the most part, although she’s showing signs that she’s going to be a real problem as soon as she becomes mobile. She refuses to sit in her little bouncy seat any longer – as soon as I put her down she flips herself over and tries to climb out and then howls when she gets stuck. Even when I lay her down flat she immediately turns over and tries to scoot herself around – the other day I left her within a foot of a magazine on our bed while I took some clothes into the closest and by time I was back 15 seconds later she had flipped herself over, somehow acquired the magazine and had begun eating the cover. She also complains loudly if you try to put her down in a spot she doesn’t deem appropriate at that moment or if you fail to provide a properly warmed bottle at the very second she decides she wants it. On the bright side, she isn’t swearing at me yet and Joey’s blowouts make hers look downright quaint.

The main source of my discontent lately is my growing alarm at the person I am somehow morphing into these days. I realized I had hit a new low when I found myself perusing two new websites – “afullcup.com” and “hotcouponworld.com”. That’s right, I’ve become a “couponer”. You see, the price of gas and food here in NC (and no doubt even more so in the DC Metro area) has gotten completely out of control – as a result, so have my weekly bills from Harris Teeter and Target. Unfortunately, Joe’s paltry professor’s salary and my consulting income haven’t risen at the same rate as our cost of living – which also apparently rises with each child you produce. So, for the past two weeks, I’ve been faithfully cutting and printing coupons for just about everything. The good part about this, is that I’ve saved about $100 over the past week or two on our grocery/diaper/formula/household supply bills – the bad part is that in addition to all my other alarming suburban house frau traits, I am now carrying around a coupon folder and greedily sorting through the Sunday paper ads like they are porn (or in my case, maybe made of chocolate) or something. So, as I was sorting my latest coupon finds earlier today I started to ponder all the differences of the “before” kids me and the “after” kids me. Below is a sample of what I’ve come up with – and I keep thinking of new things to add to it.


Before: Worked in an office/held adult conversations
After: Work from home/try to hold adult conversations while holding a baby and with toddler screaming in the background.

Before: Had a decent wardrobe
After: Wear nothing but jeans and t-shirts – EVERYTHING must be wash and wear (not sure why I’m still hanging on to all my “dry clean” only clothes – they just mock me from their hangers.)

Before: Not exactly abs of steel, but I was in decent shape and didn’t have to give serious consideration to a tummy panel and skirt when bathing suit shopping.
After: Abs of cellulite and the thought of bathing suit shopping makes me want to move to Antarctica.

Before: Thought Happy Hour was a fun way to unwind after work and meet cute boys.
After: Realize Happy Hour was clearly created by desperate parents trying to get through the witching hours and counting the minutes until bedtime.

Before: Kept up with current events.
After: Only current events I’m truly aware of concern where the latest diaper sale is and the most recent potty-training tips.

Before: Social activities included concerts, shopping, lunch with friends, etc.
After: Social activities include Bunco, play dates and the occasional baby shower (thank god they serve alcohol at these!)

Before: Listened to music, read latest books/magazines
After: Know the words to “Thomas the Train” song by heart and find myself humming the “Teletubbies” theme to myself even though it’s like nails on chalk board every time I hear it. Latest book read—Green Eggs and Ham.

Before: Fixed hair and make-up prior to leaving the house
After: Rarely look in the mirror more than once a day in the morning – often notice the horror show while innocently walking past a mirror in a store where I wonder who that poor pathetic middle-aged woman with something that looks like sweet potatoes on her shirt, droopy jeans, screaming kids and gray uncombed hair is – realize it’s me.