The three words that best sum up my life...

So, what are the three words you ask? Projectile Baby Diarrhea. Yes, I feel that really sums up life here in suburban Charlotte at the moment. We’ve been dealing with one illness after another in our house since February 7th. Well, just as we started to see the light at the end of the tunnel last weekend, Joey decided to quash whatever hope we might have been harboring for a normal life again when he produced some rather explosive poos after complaining of a tummy ache and having an alarmingly distended belly. So, after yet another visit to Urgent Care and the pediatrician (I’m thinking of asking them to name a wing after me as I have contributed so much money to the practice) we learn that he does indeed have a GI infection but there is nothing to do but wait it out. The worst moment came in the middle of the night on Sunday/Monday when he woke up at 3 a.m. yelling that he was “wet” – I won’t go into great detail here, but let me just say I’ve never seen so much poo in my life – and in the middle of the night just to add to the fun!!!! Also, whilst this is going on, Abby’s rash on her head continues to get worse and she spends a great deal of time howling and scratching at her head. She looks like I haven’t bathed her since she came home from the hospital because I keep her head lathered up with Vaseline – she’s like a greased pig most of the time.

So, yesterday we have to keep Joey out of school one final day (god help me) to ensure that he is fully recovered. Miraculously, Abby’s head is in reasonable shape so I decide to make use of the day and take them to get their pictures taken – a feat I have been trying to accomplish for the past two months without success. So, I bathe Abby and get them both dressed into their picture outfits and actually arrive at Sears (yes, I go high end!) on time. I foolishly congratulate myself. The studio is unfortunately staffed by only two people and there are other customers there. So, we wait for 15 long minutes (as you all know, 15 minutes of wait with a 2 year old and an infant is like 15 days in kiddie time) and finally get in to get the pictures done. Of course, Abby, who ALWAYS smiles even when she’s got a red itchy head, decides she doesn’t like the photographer and proceeds cry. Joey decides he doesn’t want to sit next to Abby and wants me to hold him, so he cries too. After numerous attempts we finally get one decent picture of the kids together and couple of each of them separately. I consider it a success… So, we go out to the computer to view the photographs and Joey decides he wants to go home – NOW – and he wants a new matchbox car for his trouble. As I’m holding him and waiting for the lady to enter our order my dear sweet boy says in a loud voice “Mommy, I’m pissed.” Now, I’ve never heard this out of his mouth before so I assume I must have heard him wrong and I ask him “What did you say?” and he repeats in another loud tone “I’m pissed. I want to go home.” My mom, who is along for the fun ride, snorts in laughter and after a minute the Sears lady figures out what he said and starts laughing too. I say “What did your Daddy teach you!” to deflect any blame from myself – and honestly I do think he got that one from Joe—although I have to take the heat for “Dammit”. That’s my sweet boy…

The day was completed later in the evening when Abby decided to start projectile vomiting up what must have been a full day’s worth of formula and then follows it up with a case of projectile diarrhea at around 11:30 p.m. So, I lay her on the changing table (in the dark) and proceed to start changing her diaper. All of the sudden I heard that fateful noise…. And feel the warm stinkiness on my arm and in my hair – yes, she has projectile pooped on me – and, that dear sweet little baby apparently has some skill with this as she managed to hit not only me, but also the rug and the ottoman that is about 3 feet away. So, after a quick shower, I head down to bring in the new day on my knees scrubbing up baby poo from the floor and furniture. As I’m doing this I ponder what happened to the old me who had a full-time job, a decent wardrobe that consisted of something beyond jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt, wore make-up, engaged in adult conversations that didn’t include phrases such as “don’t feed your sister dog food”, and hair that was occasionally brushed and styled.

So, I’m considering running off to Europe, changing my name and starting a new life – but I fear Joe would hunt me down and deposit the children on my doorstep. JJ And I suppose I might miss them a bit after awhile.... so life goes on. J Also, another lesson I have learned recently is that once your child really starts talking, you need to watch EVERYTHING you say as they seem to take it all in and then wait for the most inappropriate moment to use their newfound language skills. In addition to the “I’m pissed” comment from yesterday, below are a few other little nuggets that have come out of Joey’s mouth as of late (in addition to “why” after EVERYTHING)….


Me: Muttering under my breathe after making a wrong turn “That wasn’t so bright”
Joey: For the next 20 minutes “Mommy not so bright”.

Joey: To his friend Charlie who was having a meltdown “Chill my man” (Joe says this to him sometimes).

Me: Joey, let’s go up and have your bath and get your jammies on
Joey: Not looking up from his train set “That’s a possibility” (no idea where that one came from).

Joey: As I’m driving us to my mom’s “Mommy, slow down, there are cars coming the other way” (he’s quite a back seat driver).

Me and Joe to Blackjack when he’s barking: “Blackjack, stop it!”
Joey: To Abby when she’s crying “Abby, Stop It” (Yelling)

Joe’s Aunt Kathy: “Hi Darling” (to Joey)
Joey: Why you call me “Darling?”
Kathy: What should I call you?
Joey: You can call me Buster Brown.

Joe: While driving – “Come on Snapperhead”
Joey: To everyone in front of us when driving “Come on Snapper”